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Can You Do the 100/0?

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It’s The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return. Here is an excerpt from Al Ritter’s The 100/0 Principle: The Secret of Great Relationships.

Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.

The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

STEP 1 – Determine what you can do to make the relationship work…then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.

STEP 2 – Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.

STEP 3 – Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don’t take the bait.

STEP 4 – Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don’t respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the “Knower” and shift to being the “Learner.” Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like “that won’t work,” “I’m right, you are wrong,” “I know it and you don’t,” “I’ll teach you,” “that’s just the way it is,” “I need to tell you what I know,” etc.

Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like “Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation,” “I could be wrong,” “I wonder if there is anything of value here,” “I wonder if…” etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!

Principle Paradox

This may strike you as strange, but here’s the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.

Your Coach,

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Happy New Year! New Year, New Promises, Big Dreams

Happy New Year! It is an honor and a joy to have served you this year and I look forward to another incredible year supporting you to your next level.

For the last decade, we have used a comprehensive form to assist our clients in their new year planning. This year, Michael Hyatt interviewed top achievers such as, Tony Robbins, Jeff Walker, Chalene Johnson, and Dave Ramsey, to see what they do to prepare for their new year. I was pleased to see that our form captures their main points. I thought you might enjoy reading the experts’ advice and find you have your own experts right here ready to serve you another year. We invite you to complete the form and send it back via email for our next session together and we will keep on file and send to you this time next year. It is a fun tradition we do with many of our clients.

Are you excited for 2015 with its promise of a fresh start and hope for our big dreams to come true?  I know 2014 was that for me. I got married on 12-13-14 and have enjoyed taking a few weeks off. Thank you for your well wishes and fun presents. You can read all about it at www.johnandshandel.com

Alas, 2015 is upon us and I am headed to San Francisco with my new husband for our first annual planning session. We have the same form and are going to plan out our entire year and start filling up our calendar with all the things that matter most.

We will be closed until January 5th, but please know that on Monday we are back in the saddle and ready to serve you!

This could be your year. Let’s do this!

Your Coach,

sig_shandel

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Tis the Season for Moderation … Fa La La La La, La La La La

We are delighted to welcome Dr. Jeanette Winters to the blog this week! Jeanette has collaborated with Shandel on several projects, as well as wowing the LEXI audience in Seattle this year. The True Life/Chandelle Group team is grateful for her willingness to share her holiday thoughts with us as Shandel is off enjoying her new marriage!

We hope you will find Jeanette as delightful as we do!

Here’s Jeanette……

I grew up with the original Christmas fairy. Mother has always been organized for the holidays. Our family spans the globe and she began the season by mailing all gifts the day after Thanksgiving. She mailed 250+ holiday cards to business associates and family on December 1st (all hand addressed with personal notes in most). And then of course, she decorated. And I mean really decorated … usually two trees, lights on the house, and even hung ribbons and ornaments on the forest paths that wound their way through the 100+ acre homestead.

I am not my Mother’s daughter in the holiday fairy sense but years felt compelled to live up to her standards (simply impossible you see). My holiday preparation for the past decade or so had been significantly eased and anxiety reduced through the use of online shopping. Pick it out, pay for it, supply the address and the verbiage for the card and done. But finding just the right gift was never easy … Mother & Dad have everything they want and buy it if they don’t. I struggled and struggled and usually ended paying a queen’s ransom to have packages delivered on Christmas Day. And even after the gift process was completed, that left cards unsent, the house not decorated and a general feeling of coming up short. I never felt good about the holidays, felt pressure to do better, earlier and with more joy.

About five years ago, work had been particularly busy, and life was spinning faster than I could keep up. Mother’s packages and cards arrived and I was overwhelmed with a sense of doom. I hadn’t even thought of Christmas. On a whim, I picked up the phone and called Mrs. Christmas Fairy (aka Mother) about to propose heresy but I had to try.

“Mother – I am swamped. Not the usual more than I can get done in a reasonable day but truly under water. I received your packages and card today and realized I have done nothing about the holidays. I don’t know what to get you, I am stressed to the max and well – I wondered if we could forego all the holiday “stuff” this year. What if we agreed to no presents, cards only and if you come to visit I promise only to have a wreath on the door.” I waited for the world to implode.

“Why dear, I think that is wonderful. Dad and I don’t really want anything, and we couldn’t care less if you decorated. I do enough of that for us all. Really – I’d rather have you less stressed and happier than working yourself into a tizzy. Next year, no gifts at all – me either, okay?”

Here I thought the world would end, only to find out I was living to a standard that grew out of habit and without any real attachment on my part nor on the very person I was trying to please. The woman I cared so much about not letting down was more than delighted with me setting boundaries around holiday expectations. The holidays have been ever so much more pleasant since – and I don’t let anyone down (especially me). Tis the season to be jolly – and I am!

I urge you to consider a few suggestions to managing your own holiday regime:

  • Consider ways of reducing time and cost for everything! Examples:

- I notified my usual card recipients that I would forego sending cards – except e-cards to those I won’t get to see or have been out of contact with for all too long. Now some still send out lovely, personalized cards which I treasure but I don’t reciprocate.

- Reconsider holiday gift giving. Ask yourself who you want to buy gifts for and why. You will be amazed at how many will be delighted to forego the usual holiday presents. I had a friend who spent all too much money on lovely gift baskets for me – usually containing things I don’t eat or shouldn’t. I approached her and asked how she would feel about doing something together instead of exchanging gifts. She was thrilled and now our holiday luncheon has become an honored tradition.

- Contribute in lieu of gift giving. I advised my team at work that I would give to a charity of choice instead of buying individual presents. Less stress, money goes to an exceptional cause and I contribute in the name of my awesome team.

  • Skip the food to excess and stress level. Ask yourself, do you like to cook for three days straight? Do you really need all the pies, cookies, homemade candy? Would simpler fare serve all better Would going out for dinner be a nice change?
  • Parties, dinners and more cocktail parties. Ask yourself – do I really want to go to each event Remember, most of your invitations are truly optional. Try not to over schedule and overpromise – no matter how tempting.

Give yourself a present this year. Enjoy the holiday season with moderation and do only those things that matter, you will enjoy it more and engage in the stuff wonderful memories are made of … even my Christmas fairy will tell you, it’s a great way to make the holidays more meaningful and more fun.

Happy Holidays to all!

- Jeanette Winters
 prof shot 2014Jeanette is a seasoned talent management executive who has worked at Intel (named their 2003 Diversity Champion for her strategic plan to recruit & retain women), American Express, Pitney Bowes, Amgen and National Computer Systems - (where she was the first female vice president). A highly regarded executive in the talent management arena, she has been called “one of the true rock stars of talent management this decade”. Jeanette holds a doctorate in public policy from the University of Southern California; masters degree in student development, bachelor’s in sociology. She is also a certified executive coach, and has a certificate in neuroscience and leadership from the Neuroscience & Leadership Institute.

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Peace, Discipline and Teamwork

One of our favorite authors at the Chandelle Group is Patrick Lencioni and he originally published on The TableGroup this fabulous blog on peace, discipline and teamwork. We are in the middle of our guest blog month and knew this was one our readers would love.

Shandel and John  (among friends and family they are known as “John-del”), are only 5 days away from their wedding and we couldn’t be more excited for them!  

Just this weekend I listened as Shandel expressed how she felt great peace over the coming week. Yes, there is an ABUNDANCE of happiness; however, I now see the difference between the two. 

Peace, Discipline and Teamwork definitely work together in ALL areas of our life – both personally and professionally. Of course there is the “safe” and easy route, but it takes a strong leader to embrace discipline and take the more challenging path. As always, there is far more reward to the “hard” path.

Say goodbye to fear, anxiety and trust issues as you choose peace as your leadership guide and see the fruit of your actions bloom!

Enjoy!

- Lisa

All people want the same thing in life: peace.  Not happiness, which is an unsustainable and fickle emotion, but rather peace, which is the deep understanding that all is well, even when happiness is not possible.  And we all know when we have lost our peace; it’s when we feel fear, anxiety, angst or dread.  As much as those feelings are painful, they are actually blessings if we respond to them correctly.

See, fear and anxiety alert us that something is wrong, and force us to make a decision.  Will we work with courage to recover our peace by identifying and addressing the causes of our anxiety and fear?  Or will we choose to distract ourselves from those feelings through self-indulgence, and allow them to continue?  Here’s how this choice manifests itself in my life.

I often lose my peace when I get caught up in following the news and indulging in entertainment, and neglect to pray.  It’s like clockwork. I start to feel uneasy, even anxious, and I know I have a choice to make.  I can either turn off the TV or shut down my computer, and make real time for prayer, or I can try to distract myself by finding something more stimulating on television or the internet.  The first option is a little painful because it requires discipline and sacrifice, but it always works.  The second option is certainly easier and more convenient, but ultimately leads me further from my source of peace.

Okay, so what in the world does this have to do with teamwork?  Well, I recently came to the realization that teams also want peace.  They want to know that all is well in the group, regardless of whether the organization is in the midst of great success or struggle.  Essentially, they want to know that everyone trusts one another deeply, and is aligned around a common cause.  They need to know that no toxic, painful issues are fermenting beneath the surface, and that teammates say what they mean and mean what they say, without fear.

But peace on a team, not unlike in our hearts, is elusive and precious, and must be maintained through discipline.  Otherwise, it can be easily lost in the swirl of daily stress, sometimes abruptly, but more often, gradually over time.  We usually know we’ve lost our peace as a team because we see the signs of it; team members hesitate to disagree with one another, they use passive aggressive language, or they engage in back channel conversations after meetings.  Whatever the case, everyone knows that something isn’t right, but no one is talking about it openly.

These signs, as unsettling as they are, can be invaluable if we see them as alarm bells alerting us to take the steps to reestablish peace.  They can provoke us to address whatever it is that is causing the problem, regardless of the discomfort it will inevitably, though temporarily, entail.  It is always worth the effort.

But we leaders are human, and we’re often tempted to look the other way when we see signs that peace is threatened on our teams.  Sometimes we just underestimate the cost of the problem.  But all too often, we know the magnitude of the issue and simply choose to blunt the pain by indulging in the very behaviors that are causing the problem in the first place.

In my weaker moments, I’ve done this by failing to directly and compassionately confront a difficult or struggling colleague, instead indulging in water cooler discussions about them with others in the organization.  I’ve also held back frustrations from my team to avoid potential conflict, choosing instead to vent to my wife or a friend.  Of course, those behaviors only took our team further from the precious peace we wanted and needed, requiring unnecessarily painful recovery efforts later on.

The next time you feel that your team is losing its peace—trust me, it will happen and you’ll know it—challenge yourself to be the kind of leader that embraces temporary suffering for the good of everyone else.  Enter humbly into the discomfort of that situation, because that is the only real remedy.  When you’re tempted to choose the easier but destructive path of distraction and stimulation, opt instead to be the leader your team needs, and that peace demands.

 

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When Things Aren’t as They Seem – with Jill Tolles

This week’s guest blog comes from our friend Jill Tolles.  Jill was one of our fantastic speakers at the 2014 LEXI Women’s Leadership Summit in Reno. She is a dynamic speaker and communicator, and one of the Shandel and John supporters. Thank you, Jill, for helping the Chandelle Group/True Life Coaching Team as we endeavor to provide Shandel the time and space to prepare for her upcoming wedding!

Here’s Jill…………

Every year, my husband and I go fly fishing with the Great Waters Outfitters in Montana with his dad and a group of friends. One day we were banked on the side of the Big Hole River, tying new flies onto our lines when I watched the strangest thing happen. There was a boat with two men in the middle of the river. One man had just caught a white fish, considered a trash fish in the trout inhabited waters. After he examined it, he proceeded to hold it by the tail and slam its head against the side of the boat, killing it instantly. He then held it up with both hands over his head and hurled it into the center of the river.

Immediately, I was offended. Why would he do that? I asked our river guide and he had no idea. He agreed it was strange and was as puzzled as I was. My blood started to boil at the, albeit small, act of what I deemed senseless animal abuse and disregard for life. I was revving up to confront the man with an emboldened, “Hey, nice sportsmanship!” when I noticed him look directly at me and point above my head.

Just then, I heard a whooshing sound and looked up to see an enormous wingspan of at least six feet spread out above me.

Edwin Way Teale described the bald eagle in the Atlantic Monthly,1957. “Above all other birds it is the soaring eagle, with its size and weight, that gives the most abiding impression of power and purpose in the air. It advances solidly like a great ship cleaving the swells and thrusting aside the smaller waves. It sails directly where lesser birds are rocked and tilted by the air currents.”

I watched as the bald eagle swooped down to snatch the white fish in his talons and carry it back to its nest 75 feet above me at the top of a Lodgepole Pine. It was the most majestic creature I have ever seen.

I was humbled and suddenly aware of how I had misjudged the situation. I was also extremely thankful that I didn’t call out the man in the boat for what I had deemed despicable behavior.

It is easy to assume we have all the information and to be quick to pass judgment on someone or something before we have heard all sides of the story.

There are many times I have rushed into sharing my opinions on a situation only to have to eat my words later. Backtracking is not fun. It would have been better to take a breath, ask some questions, look at it from all angles and still say nothing unless I am asked.

There is absolutely a time to use our voice, confront, call to the carpet, advocate, and judge rightly.  But if we are prone to being judgmental, quick tempered and overly opinionated, we might find that we need to adapt a more anatomically correct way of communicating.

We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. 

Use them proportionately.

- Jill Tolles
407218_446adcb4abfc4cd3bbef9f8b7356feaf.jpg_srz_120_154_75_22_0.50_1.20_0.00_jpg_srzJill Tolles is an adjunct professor at the University of Nevada, Reno in the Department of Communication Studies in addition to teaching at classes at  Multnomah College and the National Judicial College. She specializes in Public Speaking, Listening, and Small Group Communication. In addition, she teaches Business and Professional Speaking, Communication between the Sexes, Interpersonal Conflict, and Interpersonal Communication. She is chair of the Washoe County School District’s Say Yes for Kids committee, a member of the Senate Task Force for the Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse, and a pro bono lobbyist for Parent Leaders for Education. Before teaching, Ms. Tolles worked for a non-profit and then joined the private sector as the Northern Nevada Regional Manager for ADP.

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Leadership + Humility = Growth

What happens when a leader begins to look within herself and is willing to be humble? At True Life Coaching we love hearing stories of people who choose to live intentionally. In our last newsletter we featured Jeri Epperson and her journey of growth from a young businesswoman to a brilliant, savvy leader! We are privileged to know Jeri and watch her life!

I first met Shandel about ten years ago when I was working for a hay exporting company in Central Washington. We had a team of six unique and strong personalities that often worked eight hours a day in a room with no windows, just computers and white boards and our personalities working on process improvement in our SCM database. Needless to say we needed a coach to help us play well together and appreciate and capitalize on our differences. Enter Shandel.

We met monthly with her for off-sites that I remember to be fun and frustrating, enlightening and irritating, brilliant and painful. Why frustrating, irritating, and painful? Because I was 23 and thought I knew everything already. Since age ten I had been sitting in on my mom’s meeting with executives from Chrysler, Praxair, and British Airways. I had professionalism down — right? Shandel thought no, and she was right of course.

Everything she was telling me to do was dead on. She was telling me to listen more, to see things as they were and to stop filtering everything I heard and saw through my own story, and to let go of thinking I am right and have all the answers. But my 23-year-old heart refused to listen. I needed to still be the “bright for my young age” girl I had been for so long. How could I be that if I had to admit I didn’t have all the answers?

Fast forward a few years after I had left that job, feeling fully entitled and petulant, to take on a role where I began to be on the other side of management in HR — not to mention the other side of 30 and having to deal with 23-year-olds who were doing all the same things I had been doing. Acting entitled, refusing to listen, and generally making me roll my eyes until I thought they would fall out. And for every one of these interactions a light bulb would go off over my head and I would see something in myself that needed to change.

Then one day while looking for some leadership training for one of my colleagues I saw in Shandel’s newsletter an ad for the Women’s Leadership Summit (now known as LEXI). I signed up and have been on exponential growth mode ever since. All the humility I was gaining, dealing with younger versions of myself, also wracked my confidence. What else didn’t I know? But it was Shandel’s gig and I KNEW it was going to be good. And boy was it ever good. Beyond the wisdom and the actual learning that took place, what I found to be most valuable was seeing women who really seemed to have it together telling stories of how they felt just like me but took the risk, challenged themselves to grow, and take a good long look at what they were and what they wanted to be and took action to get there. I realized I don’t have to have all the answers or be perfect all the time. But I do have to keep learning about myself, I do have to keep listening, and I do have to respect the wisdom around me.

I am booked for LEXI Seattle in May and have the very good fortune of having TLC coach Mary Beth King coming to facilitate our staff retreat in March. I get so excited for these opportunities now because I can’t wait to be a better me. Every time I get the chance to be around a Mary Beth or Shandel — or my own smart savvy mother who is my original and ongoing inspiration — I try to soak up everything they have to give. Wouldn’t you know it, I don’t feel the frustrating, irritating or painful anymore — just fun, brilliant, and enlightening!

- Jeri Epperson

We are delighted to offer you, our blog readers, a special promo code when you register for the 6th Annual LEXI Women’s Leadership Summit on May 2! Use the code blog2014 and receive $40 off.

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Shandel Recognized as Coach of the Year!

True Life Coaching loves to spotlight the accomplishments of our clients and the companies we work with! Today we get to spotlight the accomplishment of our own Shandel Slaten – while she’s away on vacation we are writing this :) .

True Life Coach Mary Beth King speaks …

For the past year I have had the privilege of working alongside Shandel as a fellow True Life coach.

I have seen first hand the genuine caring and commitment that she has toward her clients and her colleagues. She sees each of us for what we can be, even when we don’t see it ourselves.

She passionately calls us each to step up, to grow, to make the difference in the world that we can.

Shandel has been chosen as this year’s Coach of the Year, an honor bestowed on her by her peers. It recognizes that she powerfully impacts the lives of her clients and her fellow coaches, and acknowledges her clear commitment to make the world a better place.

She intuitively walks her talk, and by her words and actions calls each of us to do the same.

- Mary Beth King

Scottsdale, Ariz. January 30, 2014 — Author and life coach, Shandel Slaten, who has worked with business professionals from entrepreneurs to employees of Fortune 100 firms, has been recognized by TTI Success Insights (TTI SI) as 2014 Coach of The Year!

“This network is full of superior performers who consistently lead the way in providing excellent consulting to their clients, whether in selection, coaching, training or speaking,” TTI SI President John Hersey said. “It is truly our pleasure to recognize their achievements with these awards. That’s what makes this network extraordinary.”

Testimonial: “Our Company was going through trying times – primarily around a breakdown of trust. We brought Shandel on to facilitate re-building that trust and more so, addressing the communication styles of the partners and our employees. As emotionally painful as the process was – it became one of the two most awakening moments in my life. Our company went from ‘holding on for dear life’ to a company focused on phenomenal work and growth.” – Mark Dyce, Principal, 206inc / Seattle, WA

Words from Shandel: “What an incredible honor and I am humbled by this recognition!” stated Slaten. “I love coaching executives and professionals who want to better define and execute their purpose, strengthen their leadership skills, and hone their self-awareness. To do so, I use the TTI SI assessments. With the information I receive from them, I can then lead the executive, and their team, to reinforce principles of trust and communication that foster a more successful, productive business culture.”

Congratulations, Shandel!

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Revisiting Curiosity

“We are educated far above our level of execution.” I have adapted this saying from wise people before me. In that spirit I would like us to revisit a very important concept for anyone in a position of leadership. Curiosity can be defined as: the desire to learn or know about anything; inquisitiveness. Like children, great people have an inherent desire to learn from their environment. This hunger drives them to ask questions and explore how all this new information affects their lives.

In Clarity: Focusing on What Matters, week 26 is all about how our character is shaped by curiosity. Not only is it a character trait, but curiosity is an emotion, and driven by that emotion, you are led to explore, investigate, and learn.

That explains why people who shut off their emotions and live from their heads turn off their natural curiosity and settle for fact-finding. The left side of brain sets goals. The right side comes up with creative answers. Did you know the best leaders and problem-solvers are those who regularly practice being curious?

I remember when my niece Kylie first discovered her shadow. It was so delightful to watch her on that warm summer evening. She would lift up her arms and almost jump back when she witnessed her shadow doing the same thing. Now she is five and does not even stop to see her shadow. She is busy and has other things to discover and learn about.

Her auntie however does not want to ever lose the moment when her natural wonderment stirred mine. I just got done taking a walk with a friend and her boys. The boys yelled “STOP” and made us come back and see. There were flowers that had bloomed and we had walked right past them. Shame on me! So glad I was hauled back to smell the flowers.

I invite you to welcome curiosity into your day. It will make you a better listener and more productive.

Awaken your curiosity!

Your turn: Do you think curiosity is more like an emotion or character trait…or both?

Your Coach for Clarity,

sig_shandel

 

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Motivating a Judgmental Attitude

The brain naturally gravitates toward the negative. We have been talking about the perils of a judgmental attitude and how it is a cancer in relationships. Every working person knows how it wreaks havoc in the workplace and sends everyone home in a bad mood. As leaders we need to train people to think differently and arm them with tools to think positively and appreciate diversity of thought.

In our leadership development workshops, the most helpful tool we have is the Personal Motivation and Engagement assessment. Have you taken it yet? If not, talk to me!

We use this to identify a person’s top six motivators, which are made up of one’s beliefs, attitudes and values.

Your top two motivators are what get you out of bed in the morning, excited to take action on something that brings you joy — like making money, learning something new, helping a person in need, or making an impact on a large scale. The top two motivators are what we use to think positively, to move toward things we value.

Conversely, our bottom motivators may cause us to be judgmental and to be trapped in our own negative world of criticism. If we are not aware of what motivates us and equally what “de-motivates” us, we are in danger of criticizing others when they think and behave differently than we do.

Awareness of what our motivators and values are helps us avoid judging others. Instead we learn to accept that people think differently than and are motivated differently than we are. Thus it shields us from the hazards of being a critical person.

But if that awareness doesn’t happen, having a judgmental, critical spirit leads you to be controlling of others.

This is based in fear. You see, if your story is that you are right and you are the expert, then you automatically limit your growth to learn and evolve as a person. People learn and grow from their mistakes of judgment.

If you are always right and never wrong, you are probably a very small thinker who believes you are the smartest person in the room. This often leads to an unprofitable business, a depressed life, and an unhappy marriage full of blind spots and joy killers.

If any of this even remotely describes your situation, we need to talk!

Your Coach,

sig_shandel

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Four Steps to Conquer F.E.A.R.

We’ve been talking about fear. I shared the success story of my seven-year-old nephew, Ronnie, who conquered his fear of joining a swim team, and is now enjoying success and is feeling pretty good! So I thought I’d share with you the four steps to conquering F.E.A.R. Here’s how:

Fear Is a Feeling So Name It

What exactly is it that you actually fear? When fear is vague and undefined, it cannot be conquered — so name it. What is it that you are anxious about happening or not happening? Call it by name. I fear _____­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_.

For my nephew, the fear was that the older kids would make fun of him for not being a good swimmer. That was the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth, but that was what was keeping him from jumping in with both feet. Now it had a name: Fear of humiliation.

Excavate the Root

Next, you need to ask, How did the fear originate? Is there validity to this fear, or is it a “what if” fear? You must dig deep into the root issue of the fear.

I drilled my nephew with investigative questions to see if bigger kids had ever abused or harassed him. He assured me that no, he just imagined they would make fun of him, and that paralyzed him. Perception is reality — unless it is questioned with truth.

Ascertain the Truth / Reality

What IS the truth? Is this fear irrational, made up, or a control issue of some sort? Maybe you have been hurt before and you need to work through forgiveness or another unrelated issue. OR is it a “what if” that has validity to it? One way to go forward is to think through the worst-case scenarios and how you can live with the outcome. Is the risk in the 90 percent or the 10 percent probability? Get to the truth so you can make an intentional decision.

My nephew had to walk through the probability of the kids actually making fun of him. There might be someone who mocked him, but what was the chance? I challenged him by asking whether he would be mean like that to littler kids. (He was horrified — of course not!)

Replace Fear with Its Opposite

Once the fear is named, the next step is to find the opposite so that you can start retraining your mind. What truth do you need to tell yourself to overcome the fear? In general, the opposite of fear is faith. So you may ask what can you put your faith in to help you get from one side to the other. You see, faith is believing in what you cannot see to be true. “Chances are the bigger kids will not make fun of me.” Fear is believing you can control what you cannot see; it fools you into believing that by worrying you can change reality.

For my nephew, once we worked through the steps, he repeated out loud, “I am not listening to you, fear.” He replaced it with “I am an adventurous boy, a brave leader, and God will help me.” Did I mention his swim coach said he was even better than some of the older kids who had been swimming for a few years? He now has this incredible new opportunity and is already reaping the rewards — because he faced his fear!

Now It’s Your Turn

As you face and replace your fear, what are you now able to turn toward? Opportunity, reward, joy, love — what matters most to you? What do you fear and what do you desire more than that fear?

Name five things you fear right now. Now pick one to conquer by working the four steps. I would love to hear about it on Facebook or in the comments. Let’s conquer this together.

Your Coach,

sig_shandel